It’s Ok To Be A Work In Progress
I was talking to a friend last night about how challenging it is to be a human on this planet anymore. I know it's always been hard, but these times are intense, aren't they?! To make matters worse, if we are struggling with our unresolved pain and trauma, well, it can all feel like too much.
I have been reflecting on the unique challenges of survivors, especially those of the wounded healer working to help others. Toxic shame lies at the heart of childhood trauma and tells us that what happened to us was our fault, that it happened because we were bad or unworthy of love and care. Toxic shame is a liar, plain and simple. Of course, as adults, we know that when children are mistreated, it is the fault of the adults, not the child. However, as children, we cannot make this distinction. As children, it is not safe to blame the people whom we depend upon for survival, and so we internalize the toxic shame, blaming ourselves. This becomes a core aspect of our identity and sets the stage for our sense of self-worth and all of our relationships with others. Toxic shame is just like it sounds...it is corrosive to everything we try to create in our lives, and it can be healed, slowly but surely.
Toxic shame says...
something is wrong with me that needs fixing
I am broken
it's all my fault
if only I were different, ____ wouldn't have happened
other people don't want me around
I am afraid if I am around people, they will see who I am, and they will run away
Toxic shame shrouds us in fear and it makes us hide...from ourselves, from others, and from life itself. It can turn us into people-pleasers and can obscure who we truly are from others and even ourselves. When we are living in toxic shame, we are only surviving, at best. In this way of living, thriving is not possible.
It Is OK to Be a Work In Progress...
It is. Truly. To everyone, and I say this even if you, like me, are working with other people in a healing or teaching capacity.
You do not need to have it all figured out
You do not need to be totally healed yet
You do not need to be perfect
There is nothing you have to "make up for" at all
You can be yourself AS YOU ARE NOW, help others, and bring light to this world
💥 Guess what?! We ALL are works in progress! 💥
Isn't that wonderful news? While some may make it appear as if they have everything figured out, trust me, nobody does. In fact, the more human and REAL you are, the more you can help. This is because when you bring all of who you are to the table, you give others permission to do the same, and you help them to feel seen, validated and understood in the process. For many, it may be the first time this has ever happened for them! How healing is that?!
What You Can Do...
Meet your pain with compassion when you can
when you notice you are stuck in shame, label it "toxic shame" - these moments of awareness are moments of power when you come back to yourself
do your best, little bit by little bit, to feel the challenging emotions and physical sensations
when you are in pain, notice things that are soothing or supportive around you, like the blue sky out your window, your dog sitting next to you, the air on your skin, or places in your body that feel calm or relaxed (this helps to bring balance so that you are not overcome by the challenging sensations)
For more on this topic, watch our video, “Toxic Shame and Childhood Trauma” on YouTube.
