Why You Feel Stuck

“Feeling stuck might be your present state, but be confident. It’s not final.” Oyindamola Odunuga

When you feel stuck in life, it's normal to assume that you will remain that way forever. However, this perception only makes things worse.

The truth is that nothing stays the same forever, and "this too shall pass."

So many clients come to me for help because they feel stuck in some way. They may want to change, achieve a goal, or navigate a life transition. Some struggle with a lack of motivation or procrastination, no matter how important the task is to them. Others may feel numb as if they've lost their capacity for joy, aliveness, and the passion that helped them to achieve their goals in the past. Some may be frustrated with how much time they spend scrolling through their phones or bingeing on Netflix instead of doing what matters to them. As a result, many people feel deeply frustrated and judge themselves harshly for their inability to move forward in their lives in the way they desire.

Why do I feel so stuck?!

If you’re feeling stuck in your life, it may be for many reasons, and each situation and person is unique.

Sometimes feeling stuck is a matter of perfectionism or people pleasing, and your resulting rigid ideas of how you need to be paralyze you and keep you from taking action. While this is true, more often than not, the kind of stuckness that I described is a symptom of the freeze trauma response. If your procrastination and stuckness are coupled with feelings of overwhelm, hopelessness, and fear, it likely is a freeze response. A telltale sign of freeze is if your procrastination or stuckness has an element of paralysis, numbness, or detachment. It may even feel like another person or some outside force is trying to stop you from doing what you’re trying to do. This can show up as paralyzing self-doubt and overthinking with other freeze symptoms.

As you might know, there are three other trauma responses, and freeze is a common one for people to get stuck in. This is because if you grew up in childhood trauma, you were unable to fight or flee from the situation. After all, you were a child. When your fight and flight responses get thwarted in this way, your system naturally freezes.

After years or decades of living the same way, the system may be stuck in the freeze response. Even if you were raised in a harmonious environment, this could be true, especially if you have a history of traumatic events and toxic relationships as an adult.

Freeze is an adaptive response, and believe it or not, your brain is always doing its best to keep you safe. 

symptoms of freeze

• you can’t think straight 

• feeling overwhelmed

• procrastination and lack of motivation

• hopelessness

• you are suddenly exhausted 

• your body feels heavy

• can’t make decisions easily

• numbness

• you can’t move easily

• tight or tense muscles

• you feel blank 

• you just want to sleep or do nothing

• you are isolating

• you feel as if you are watching yourself from the outside 

• Dissociation: mindless scrolling, bingeing on Netflix

• shallow breathing

Enter the Inner Critic

What I see more often than not with folks who feel stuck in some way is a tendency for unrelenting harsh self-judgment. Frequently this is a result of being raised in an environment where you were taught that who you were was somehow not enough, or too much. In adulthood, anytime you do something (or don’t do something) that triggers the inner critic, an attack is launched against you. This inner dynamic is at the heart of self-judgment. 

What can you do about it? Compassion is one of the best antidotes to fear. Compassion is gentle, soothing, and loving, and it softens us. Compassion is the opposite of the fear state triggered in you when your inner critic mounts an attack against you. Ultimately, it is important to understand that your inner critic is trying to help you in the only way they know how. If you were taught negative things about yourself, that part of you learned to go along with the story you were being told to keep you safe. This is an adaptive response to the trauma you endured.

It helps to understand that you are a human being, which means that you don’t need to be perfect. You are perfect as you are in this moment. The belief that you need to change somehow to be worthy of love and compassion is flawed thinking.

The RAIN of self-compassion meditation by Tara Brach can help you learn to offer yourself compassion.

What Else Can I Do?

You can do good things to support your brain and nervous system and things that you might want to stop doing so that your brain feels safe more of the time.

Don’t push back and don’t pressure yourself

Sometimes when you’re not where you want to be in your life, you might push back in some way. You push back when you work harder, go faster, and tell yourself that what you’re doing isn’t enough. When you push back or resist life, you are sending a signal to your brain that you might not be safe, and when your brain feels like you aren’t safe, you will go more deeply into the freeze response. Pushing is counterproductive, which is interesting considering we live in a culture where we are conditioned to work harder and go faster. (that’s a topic for another article!)

When you are able, respond as if you approve of what is happening. Don’t argue or put up any resistance. Instead, problem-solve. Consider little things you can do now to move in the direction you want to move in. The key is little steps since it is not possible to move quickly out of freeze into flow. A frozen system needs time to thaw. 

What you can do to move out of freeze…

• Breathe deeply and fully (belly breaths)

• Slowly nod your head, and if you can move your body

• Pace or walk around the room

• Look around the room and orient to your surroundings

• Grounding exercise: name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste

• Co-regulate with a good friend, therapist, or a pet

• Get outside into nature (the great co-regulator)

• Splash cold water on your face

• do little things on your list, and take breaks often

Teach your brain to feel safe…

The good news is that you can teach your brain to feel safe. To do this, there are a few things to consider. As I mentioned before, our culture tends to suggest that you should be happy and productive all the time and that if you aren’t, there must be something wrong with you. There just isn’t a lot of space for being an imperfect human being.

• Ask yourself, “Am I in danger right now?” Look around and notice that you are safe by noticing what you see, feel, hear, touch, and taste.

• Question how you are interpreting events (if you are reacting as if something is dangerous when it is not)

• You can say to yourself, “This feels dangerous, but I am actually safe.”

• Do things that make you feel safe: time with a good friend, a hike, meditation, etc.

Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and keep going.

If you would like support in regulating your nervous system, please reach out. I offer a powerful combination of Somatic Experiencing, trauma recovery coaching, and shamanic healing, and I am happy to help you in your recovery journey.